I’m not supposed to feel this way 

I’m not supposed to feel this way 

Your kisses remind me that nothing can hurt forever Your touch says nothing is free

Your whisper shows you know I listen for you

Your hand says please don’t leave 

Your eyes send shadows across your smile

Because they tell of the broken inside 

And every time I think of you

I remember, love hurts to hide

Why do I? 

Why do I? 

I draw to get the images out that haunt me every night
I sing to stop the voices that scream and put up fights 
I dance to stop the world from shaking, spinning me around 
I read to take me far away and get my feet off of the ground
I smile to spread the joy I know exists somewhere 
And I write because I know God will one day heed my prayer 

Losing my sanity

Losing my sanity

Truly I promise I don’t want to die But I’m done fucking around not gonna lie

I’m losing my mind slightly more than insane

Trying to catch hold of the mess that’s my brain

Losing my shit over nothing

Turning nothing into something

Who’s he texting and why

Work, bills and lack of sleep making me cry

Trying to hold the ones I love together 

Not truly understanding why they’re falling apart 

Wishing I knew how to fix everything 

But failing miserably and losing heart

I’m going fucking crazy and didn’t you know

I know no other way to run my life show

I miss my buddy my daddy my mom 

But I constantly feel they don’t notice I’m gone

Worthless an selfish a true piece of shit

Helpless and hopeless but full of some grit

But not enough to hold myself together

Can’t wake up and brave life’s weather 

I’m running on empty my well Is dry

Just want someone to love me and want me around

Heart on my sleeve and knees on the ground

I’m begging I’m dying to see 

What’s on the other side

What becomes of me. 

The human

The human

Every person has a human,

An individual who, no matter how far away you go, will always wander around the depths of your mind. 

Not all humans are true loves, some are sisters, brothers, mothers or friends….but no matter the relationship, they all steal part of your soul. 

They hold captive your dreams and your desires. 

They know your quirks and anxieties.

And somehow even long after you’ve stopped talking or grown distant, you can’t help but plan a scenario of your future with them in it.

Because no matter what happens your soul isn’t at peace unless you know they are happy and healthy.

Somehow I ruined my human. I know how and why. I’ve seen the deep hurt hidden behind fake smiles.

Once you lose a human there is no recovery.

Because once a human leaves the questions are never ending and always unanswered. 

The insecurity rises as the stability leaves. 

You will always sit there wondering if they’ll come back, if you want them to, and what you’ll do if they do.

Im Living

Im Living

You’ll never believe the things I’ve seen in the 19 years I’ve lived.

The sunset over the Grand Canyon, casting shadows upon caverns, painting the world around me orange and purple,

The sunrise over the dunes of White Sands National park,

The sparkle of the ocean in the sunlight,

The shadows through the branches of pines and evergreens,

The majesty of deer grazing in the early morning,

The fairylike twinkle of lightning bugs in the fields.

I’ve seen mountains and valleys.

I’ve swum in oceans and lakes.

I’ve jumped on trampolines, crashed bikes, shot hoops, and run miles.

I’ve gone off the high dive, belly flopped, and gone down waterslides.

The wind has wiped through my hair as I leaned out car windows and sunroofs.

I’ve devoured books and published poetry.

I’ve worked with senators and mechanics.

I’ve fallen in love and broken my heart.

I watched a child receive his first pair of new shoes and I’ve seen a man breathe his last breath.

I felt the firm grasp of a child’s hand around my finger and seen the quivering lip that follows skinned knees and bruised elbows.

I’ve had tents cave in under the pouring rain and I’ve searched for the elusive marshmallow tree.

I’ve woken up with the smell of campfires clinging to my hoodies, and felt the squish of mud in my toes.

I’ve seen Mexico and Canada and floated past the crashing water of Niagra Falls.

I’ve seen mummies, paintings, and dinosaur bones in countless museums.

I’ve seen the lights of Vegas, the peace of the country, driven over the Hoover Dam, and hugged Mickey Mouse.

I’ve been to concerts, carnivals, theme parks, and war sights.

I’ve gone on my first date, held my first hand, and stood waiting anxiously in an airport waiting for my soldier to come home.

I’ve held my brother as he cried and my sister as she slept.

I’ve had uncontrollable bouts of laughter and shed silent tears.

I’ve let people down, lifted others up, and left many many more unchanged by my presence in their lives.

I’ve sat on city buses, airplanes, trains, cars, snowmobiles, horses, elephants, camels, and scooters.

I’ve broken bones, needed stitches, and screamed through vaccinations.

I’ve given blood, seen the Rocky Mountains, and eaten fried alligator.

I’ve had sleepless nights and all day naps.

I’ve built snowmen, bitten my cousin’s butt till she bled, and watched my mom run over a vulture.

I’ve seen my mom cry and I’ve seen her laugh till she couldn’t breathe,

I’ve seen my daddy beam with pride and scowl with disbelief.

I’ve played video games till my eyes dried out and had indoor campouts with my baby brother.

I’ve paid my tithe, questioned religion, and felt the peace of God.

I’ve smelled flowers and gone on midnight drives to nowhere.

I’ve blown out speakers and tires.

I learned to play an instrument and draw elephants.

I’ve given up on dreams and planted new ideas.

I’ve swung on porch swings and had long talks about depression.

I’ve sat in funeral homes and watched everyone I love break down.

And yet with all this, there are those who say I’m losing my lust for adventure, my need for speed, my passion for life.

Others have told me I’ve last my passion and direction.

But for once in my life the fire in my heart blazes steadily. Contentedly.

It keeps me warm and trudging forward.

Because as long as there is a God who hears my prayers, a mom who answers my calls, a friend to sing along in the car, sunflowers growing, muddy boots stomping, and guitars playing,

I will laugh, I will cry, I will dance, and offer a hug.

Because

I’m no longer just surviving…

I’m living.

Don’t kiss me like that

Don’t kiss me like that

Kiss me like I’m a cute girl at the bar 

Kiss me and wink like it won’t go too far

Kiss me and leave, just walk away 

Kiss me like I don’t mean anything 

Kiss me like I’m nothing and you’re the king

But don’t ever kiss me like you mean it…. 

Don’t lead me on….

That’s what will make it hurt when you’re gone.

You make me smile 

You make me smile 

You make me smile

Watching you roll your eyes and laugh as I tell a dorky joke

You make me smile 

when your hand slides down my cheek as you kiss me. 

You make me smile 

When you wink from across the room. 

You make me smile 

when you tell stories of adventures and hell raising 

You make me smile 

as I lean against your legs while you cuss at a video game.

You make me smile

When my driving scares you a little too much.

You make me smile

When you stop in to see me at work just because.

You make me smile 

When you offer to make me dinner even though it’s never what you want.

You just make me smile with your patience, your teasing, your friendship, your faithfulness, your sweetness. You make me smile.